The Mind of Jason

Things are hard right now. She is depressed because she cannot do anything, has no friends or hobbies and is stuck home alone most of the time

When I get home I am exhausted and have a million chores to do so we have little quality time right now. So she gets upset and lashes out at me sometimes. I have no support. I feel like I am drowning at times.

I did propose the other night. I need to upload the pics. So many things seem to be in the way at times. I want to collapse and breakdown, but I cannot. I need support.

Well friday I picked up her engagement ring. I brought it back home and put it away. Unfortunately, I told her I had it. She saw where I put it and when I left to go someplace, she gave in to temptation and curiousity and looked at it.
It broke my heart when she confessed. I had been wanting her seeing it for the first time to be when I asked her. I wanted to see the look in her eyes when she saw it for the first time.
Sigh.
To make it worse, she said that just knowing I had it there took away the climax for her. It almost makes me feel like just handing it to her. The actual proposal now almost seems like just a formality and nothing special. I wanted it to be magical.

Well Thursday was Thanksgiving. I went with her to her parents house for dinner. The night went pretty well, of course they still do not know for sure, though they may suspect, that they will be my future in-laws lol. The meal was good, everyone except me complained about the mashed potatoes lol. Anne was suprised that I actualy had stuffing (seconds even!) since I had just told her the night before that I dont really like stuffing unless it is corn bread stuffing.

All in all it went well.

She is getting better each day. I can't wait to sign the lease on the new apartment out in Fairfax. Nice two bedroom/two bathroom place.

I just found out tonight that since the accident has been blamed on me and I am considered 'at fault' that she probably won't get a dime out of it. Nothing for her pain and suffering. Even though the other 'woman' was speeding when she hit us and thàt I didn't do anything wrong.
Hearing that, part of me wishes I had died that day since I was driving. She did nothing. She was an innocent bystander. If anyone should have been hurt it should have been me. If she were going to be hurt as bad as she was then I should be dead.

Today is a day that I feel useless to her. She had been in pain all day and slept most of it. I can't take her pain away and I can't heal her. I have to sit and watch her suffer. Like I said to her when we were getting her dried off from her shower, I have gone between wanting to cry and wanting to hit something today because I am so powerless.
I hate these kind of days.

It is times like this that I feel like a big lumbering oaf. I was trying to do a quick vaccum and went to get under her wheelchair. What do I go and do? Run it into her heel on her bad side, jamming her hip. Sigh.

Things are hard right now. I am in soooo much pain. I think I pulled a muscle in my side, plus my back has been acting up today. At home I feel like everything required lifting or bending. The groceries were horrible on me. I cannot stop though because she needs me to take care of her. She is worried about me. Worried I might collapse. Shew feels so bad that I have to do everything. She gets angry with herself because she gets demanding at times. I am on the verge of collapsing, but I have to keep pushing.

Well I pay the ring off in a week. It is almost time to ask her. The problem, she wants me to ask her dad for 'permission.'
The problem is that I get a bad feeling about that. My instinct screams at me that it will upset me or hurt me. The other side is that I feel she will be disappointed if I don't, that I will let her down. There seems to be no good answer.
She says not to worry about it because she doesn't want me getting hurt. That she won't be upset and it isn't that important to her. It is just part of her 'fantasy' about how it would happen for her.

I worry at times. I want to give her more than I ever can. She comes from a more well to do family that I do. Her parents home is worth over 1.5 million. I can never come close to that. I know she doesn't care about it but I want to be able to give her the same kind of things they could. If I got 10% raises every year, it would take me until 2015 to break the 100k salary barrier. If I jumped companies or got a promotion I could get there faster of course.

Well I got my books today. Turns out one of the damn things is in german. That does me no good at all. Thankfully it is friday woohoo.

I am in so much fucking pain right now...The damn place she lives is run by the county and one of their fucking rules is no overnight guests. This means I cannot stay, which means I cannot take care of her, which means she is on her own most of the time. This is very bad since there are some basic sanitary tasks she cannot perform for herself right now. grrrr...it set me off like a Roman candle...

on top of that, I cannot seem to get my books that I ordered and had delievered to my work. More bullshit policies. I have to have some jerk come down so I can fill out paperwork to get my books. On top of that the guy is not responding to emails.

Well we finally got home yesterday. After four long months she is at home, but it is still a long road. She can't bend over, her legs still don't have enough strength, if she falls she can't get up on her own, it is hard for her to get in and out of bed and more.
Now apparently there are problems with her medicare so we don't know what is going to happen with her home health care. We need to get a bed aide today to help her get in and out of bed.
It will still be a while.

Well tuesday she gets discharged and it is back to her condo for now. She is scared about going there because there are still things she can't do and things she doesn't think she can do. I took Tuesday off to help her get reacclimated and I have Wed off for Veterans Day. One of her biggest fears is that she wont be able to get in and out of bed since it isn't an adjustable bed like the center has. I told her we will figure out a way for her to do it on her own. I may need to rig up some kind of crazy contraption lol....

We both have mixed feelings about leaving as well. It has been home for the last three months and we have made some good friends here. It will be good to get home, but we will miss them
:(.

I am going to live at the condo with her until we get our new apartment together. I will once again be on an air bed lol..she needs the help at night right now.

My chiropractor told me, today, that my back is a mess and that I will need PT. That was just wanted to hear lol...I have been in agony the last few weeks.

She worries about how much responsibliy I am taking on with her because of the accident. She told me that it is more than most Doms have in a relationship, even when they are married. I told her I know it is a lot, and that I am taking it on with that knowledge and that I accept it freely and want it. I never have been one who is afraid of added responsibility.

She has at times told me she is a 'burden' to me. I have tried to get through to her that that isnt the case. The other day I told her to think about why is NOT a burden to me at all. One of the things she told me was that it is because in a marriage,it is 'for better or for worse,' etc.

My back hurts a lot more often and a lot worse then she realizes. There are times when she needs help and asks me to do something, even asks if I can do it because of my back, and I do it for her, even though I am agony at the time or I know that doing it will put me in agony. I am going to see a neurosurgeon about my injury. I hope to God I don't need back surgery. That scares me.

Her ring is paid down to $1100, so it will be paid in full by months end :) . Once it is I can finally 'offically' propose lol. We joke about the fact that I have never really 'asked' her about anything. I have just flat out 'declared' that we were dating and getting married. I never asked if she wanted to 'date' me, I just told her we were dating lol.

We have been looking more at the honeymoon lately. I found the collar I am going to get her. It is a nice one that can be worn all the time without raising any questions. I also know a general idea of when and where. It is going to be on our honeymood so the end of Sept 2011 (sigh I hate waiting that long) in Germany. Not sure what town yet.

Well I am getting sleepy, more soon, but now....bed

Every day my back hurts more and more.not only more often but the pain is worse too! I can't tell her about it since she has too much on her plate now. As it is, she is worried about we are going to cope for now with my back hurting 'some'. If she knew how bad she would freak.

Right now I am struggling - a lot. She almost fell getting back into bed from the bedside commode. It really hurt her back and hip. She said if they hadn't gotten her into bed when they did, she may have wound up with a broken back.
I was there when it happened and couldn't do anything but keep her from hitting the ground. I couldn't get her back into bed safely. I'm scared. Will I be able to take care of her? Will I be good enough too?
Part of me wonders if it is my fault. If I hadn't stopped to hug her before she got back into bed would she be ok now? I really am feeling like a danger to her...and women I love in general.
At times like this I wonder if she would be safer without me.

VIRGO RAT
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Being guided by the Water element means these Rats have a knack for influencing people. With their strong intellectual powers and great insight, they are also great puzzle solvers. They are quick to understand others and are incredibly practical people. Rats apply their talents to their everyday lives, making them obliging, generous and compassionate to other people. Generally, they are liked and respected by everyone. Like all Rats, however, they can be determined to seek their own gain, and will not mind using these talents to achieve it - though generally without losing anyone's respect in doing so.

My back has been killing me the last few days. It feels like a 2x4 is my spine or like someone is pressing their knee into it.

My back has been killing me for hours now. It keeps getting worse as time goes on it seems. It feels like my spine is a 2x4.
Wed I have a dr appointment about my back. My guess is I will need to see an orthopedist. I hope they don't say back surgery. So I am a bit nervous, but I'm trying not to think about it or worry about it. I can't do anything about it either way so why worry.

my back is killing me tonight...

Tonight should set the teams in the world series. The yanks are up 3 to 1. When they tonight it is yanks v phillies.
She has been really good sbout it too. She has the game on when I get there and watches it with me.