The Mind of Jason

Well I just finished talking to her not to long ago. And that heavy feeling I had had on My heart was proven to be true once again. I knew even before she came on that something was wrong today...something big...As soon as I saw her log on and tell Me she had permission to talk to Me, My heart sank. I knew that it could not be good...as the conversation went on, I kept waiting for the other foot to fall as it were. Then it came...the one thing I had feared more than anything else....she said it had to end between her and I.

I won't lie or deny it....losing her makes Me feel empty inside, like I a lost a big part of Myself. smh...but I know I will be ok in the end...and I know that she is hurting too over this and that she will be ok...but most important, I know she did what is right for her at this point in her life....as I told her, based on those three questions, I can do no less than let her go...how can I hold onto her when she needs to be free if I love her?...how can I say have her best interests and heart if I try to hold on when it isnt right for her....

I wanted to hold on and tighten My grip on her...to bring her fully under My control again....it was so tempting..but if I had given in, I would have failed her worse then I ever failed anyone in My life...it would have hurt her more than helped her in the long run...I cant do anything to hurt her...I promised her two things tonight..that she will have MY friendship for as long as she wants it...and that if she ever decides she wants to come back if I am without anyone she can come back no questions asked...

I believe in her....with every fiber of My being and know she can overcome all these challenges in her life. Will she come back to Me one day? *shrug*...I have no idea...I want to hold onto that hope so badly, but I can't otherwise it will drive Me crazy.

every minute of every day that she was Mine, she made Me very proud...even tonight when she sent Me that email, she made Me proud...prouder than I ever have been of her even....it took a lot of strength and courage to do what she did...knownig that would hurt us both...but doing it anyway b/c it was what she needs for herself...that has always been My #1 rule...take care of yourself....

now this is directed directly to you anne. God, even just typing your given name, seems so foreign...*chuckle*...

you made the right choice..do not doubt yourself on this...do not second guess yourself...do not hate who you are...you can not overcome it if you give into hate...accept it...play on your strengths...and work to find ways to mitigate the weaknesses, thats what the doctors are for..to help give you those tools...listen to them, learn what they have to teach....if you ever need someone to cry to or talk to ...I am here..always...

I know this choice hurts you anne,hurts Me too but you did right...I am proud of you ....you may have had to give Me up in one way...but as a friend you will never lose me...you have great inner strength to call on..believe in yourself the way I believe in you...one day you will find the love and happiness you deserve... I cant tell you who it will be with or what kind of relationship it will be...but you will find it...and when you do, dont turn them aside ....tell them what they are facing..and if they still lvoe you and want you..want to help you and are strong of heart and soul then dont let them get away...but make sure they deserve you...you have a lot to offere someone...

your friend to the gates of hell and back
Jason.